How to deal with family estrangement
When we see pictures of people on social media, they show up the highlight reel. Smiling families at the waterfront, cute couples lounging together by the pool, cheering your favorite athlete at their sporting event, showing off those awesome grades junior got. Very rarely do we see some of the not so ready for highlights of family life. The failures, the fights, the difficulties of communication and relationships. Some of these difficulties can lead to estrangement, something that is rarely talked about. I think one of the main reasons it’s rarely talked about is because it’s so painful to all parties involved. If you are the person who has decided to put space between you and a family member, that no doubt was not a simple, easy decision to come. There were likely many factors involved, sometimes spread out over many years. If you are the person the family member wants distance from, you may feel rejected, misunderstood and even confused about their decision.
“Cutting off” or becoming estranged from family members is rarely a decision someone takes lightly. It’s pretty much like pushing the nuclear button on a relationship, saying there’s pretty much no coming back from this. For someone to feel like this was the best decision for them can be very traumatizing on some level, but also freeing on another level. If you are the person being “cut off”, it also can feel very traumatizing and probably not very freeing.
If a family member has estranged themselves from you, the best thing you can do is respect their need for time and space. If they did not offer you an explanation, I understand that it can be very difficult to understand and accept that they are wanting a break and distance from the relationship. It’s still important to respect and accept their decision. You don’t have to agree or like it, but you do have to accept it. Calling them or demanding to talk will not help, it may drive them further away. Spend time reflecting on what could have led them to this decision. Get support from a mental health professional or spiritual advisor. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, hurt or whatever may come up from this experience.
If you are the person who has made the decision to become estranged, give yourself acceptance and compassion around this decision. Others may not support this decision and may take the side of the estranged family member. Look for support in other ways. Often as adults, our family becomes a family we create, not necessarily the one we are born into. Look for people who offer you support and acceptance. Allow yourself to grieve for the lost relationship, the what should have been, the what you needed but didn’t get. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, no matter how much they pry and probe for more information. You don’t have to reconnect with your family member (unless you are ready and willing) no matter how much pressure you might be getting from others. Your first allegiance is to yourself. Please read that again. Your first allegiance is to YOURSELF. To be the protector of your mind, body and spirit. You don’t owe anyone forgiveness or connection or a relationship.
If you are a therapist and someone tells you they are estranged from a family member, respect and accept that decision. Don’t encourage them to forgive or reconnect unless the client is asking you to assist them with those processes. Respect that they did not come to that decision lightly, that they possibly feel sadness and grief about the decision and loss of the relationship, even though the relationship might have been abusive or toxic. Support the client where they are and what their goals are in reference to estrangement are, no matter what they are. None of this “but that’s your mother and you only have one mom” type of comments. They are not helpful and can undermine the client’s ability to trust their own judgement and needs.
